"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has."
- Will Rogers
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Medidation, because some questions can’t be answered by Google.” — Inner Balance Wear
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
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