“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
“From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents, from 18 to 35 she needs good looks, from 35 to 55 she needs a good personality, and from 55 on she needs cash.” – Sophie Tucker
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
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