“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
“There’s no such thing as bad weather, just soft people.”
– Bill Bowerman
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
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