"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.”
Joe Girard
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world."
– J.R.R. Tolkien
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
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