"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“I love playing a dad. It’s hard to find family dramas that are genuinely funny.”
- Peter Gallagher
“Lots of people talk to animals... Not very many listen though... that's the problem.”
― A.A. Milne.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.”
Abraham Lincoln
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
“After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says WTF.” — Anonymous
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
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