“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe? -- Quentin Crisp
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
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