"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
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