"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Turkey lurkey doo, and turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” —Adam Sandler
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” – Earl Wilson
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
“You should see my corgis at sunset in the snow. It’s their finest hour. About five o’clock they glow like copper. Then they come in and lie in front of the fire like a string of sausages.”
– Tasha Tudor
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
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