“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“July is a blind date with summer.”
– Hal Borland
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warm.”
- Alfred North Whitehead.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” – Anonymous
“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
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