“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
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