“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Taurus: Lazy rule number 39: Can't reach it, don't need it.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
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