“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
“Winter must be cold for those with no warm memories.”
– Deborah Kerr
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often… but I’m well preserved." - Rose Kennedy
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
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