"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Go to BabaMail
