“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.” —Mike Connolly
"If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer." - Clement Freud
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
Groucho Marx
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
Step one to running a marathon: You run. There is no step two.
-Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?”
— J.R.R. Tolkien
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'”—Jim Gaffigan
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
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