“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.” — Dennis Miller
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
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