“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
— Unknown
"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
“Being different is a revolving door in your life where secure people enter and insecure exit.”
— Shannon L. Alder
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
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