“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
“I’m actually banned from the Himalayas, because I’m too good at yoga.” – Judah Friedlander
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara