“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"I don't tan. I burn"
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Children are a great comfort in your old age, and they help you reach it faster, too." – Lionel Kauffman
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” - Larry Lorenzon
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“To make a million, start with $900,000.” - Morton Shulman.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
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