“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?” — J. Paul Getty
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money." ~ Henny Youngman
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
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