“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"Money without brains is always dangerous." ~ Napoleon Hill
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
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