“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Summer should get a speeding ticket
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Always remember, a cat looks down on man, a dog looks up to man, but a pig will look man right in the eye and see his equal.”
- Sir Winston Churchill.
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"Backpacking is money spent on education."
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
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