“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.” -JP Getty.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.”—Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.” –Unknown
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
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