“I’ve always loved yoga because you get to connect to a deep religious truth while stretching your legs.” — Katya Zamolodchikova
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
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