“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
“If you start drinking now, Thanksgiving could be a lot of fun.” — Conan O’Brien
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
"You don't pay taxes ― they take taxes."
― Chris Rock
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
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