“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
“A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.”—Orlando Aloysius Battista
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
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