"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.”
― Unknown
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
"If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough."
― Phyllis Diller
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“Hiking is the only slightly less ugly stepsister of running.” – Lindy Hughes
"I'd like to connect with nature but there's no USB port" - Dan Masso
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
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