"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
“This crisp winter air is full of it.” – John Burroughs
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes… he said, "No hablo Ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”—Ellen DeGeneres
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“You know, maybe this will be a good Thanksgiving. Just us and the kids. You cook and I’ll watch football with my pants open all day.” — Ray Romano, “Everybody Loves Raymond”
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
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