“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
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