"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
“If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." ~Author Unknown
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
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