“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“When late morning rolls around and you’re feeling a bit out of sorts, don’t worry; you’re probably just a little eleven o’clockish.”
– Unknown
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
"Your sweat is your fat crying. Keep it up."
From a runner's T-shirt
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“If you can walk away from a landing, it’s a good landing. If you can use the aircraft the next day, it’s an outstanding landing.”
- Chuck Yeager
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”—George Burns
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