"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
“This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.”
– Lisa Mantchev
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“Anorexia is a disease not a fashion statement.”
Brooke
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." - Sir Norman Wisdom
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
– George Miller
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
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