“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back." - Richard Lewis
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“Take a deep breath and try to relax. I promise – Monday will be over soon.”
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.” – Charlie McCarthy
“Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.” – Proverb 10:26
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
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