“A party without a cake is really just a meeting.”
― Julia Child
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
"You know, gentlemen, that I do not owe any personal income tax. But nevertheless, I send a small check, now and then, to the Internal Revenue Service out of the kindness of my heart."
— David Rockefeller
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Aerodynamics are for people who can’t build engines.”
– Enzo Ferrari
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
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