"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
“A little bit of summer is what the whole year is all about.”
– John Mayer
“A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.”
– Carl Reiner
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
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