“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” —Phyllis Diller
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
“If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.”
- Phil Pastoret.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
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