“Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member says.”
- Marcelina Hardy
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
"I always say “Morning” instead of “Good Morning”. If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people."
– Unknown
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
"Running won't solve all your problems. But then again, neither will housework."
Unknown
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“Monday: nothing a bit of shopping can’t fix.”
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a gym when it's free to not exercise."
- Bridger Winegar
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
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