“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
"It is a good thing that we do not get as much government as we pay for."
- Will Rogers
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“There is nowhere morning does not go.”
– Leah Hager Cohen
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
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