“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
“What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle?
“Whee!”
- Will Durst
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were gonna do anyway."
― Robert Downey Jr.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.” - Edmund Stockdale
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”
Will Rogers
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
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