“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” —William Jennings Bryan
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
“We interrupt your happiness to bring you Mondays. Don’t worry, you’re regularly scheduled happiness will resume again on Friday.”
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
- Mark Twain
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens." - Abraham Lincoln
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“I tried every diet that was in the book, I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.”
Dolly Parton
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
“After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” —Oscar Wilde
“Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans. It is lovely to be silly at the right moment.”
- Horace
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
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