"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
Unknown
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." — Unknown
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
“A lot of parents pack up their troubles and send them off to summer camp.”
– Raymond Duncan
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
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