"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good if it's the pepper or the oni."
— Ulrik Stephens
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
— Unknown
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
“I'm always in a bad mood on Monday morning. It makes me hate everything for no reason whatsoever.”
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
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