“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
“When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.”
– Vanya Cohen
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”
- Weird Science.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.”
- Mark Twain.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“Running: Cheaper than therapy.”
-seen on runner’s T-shirt
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”—Ogden Nash
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“Camping is not a date; its an endurance test. If you can survive camping with someone, you should marry them on the way home.”
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
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