“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
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