“The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother—and they will settle for a puppy every time.”—Winston Pendelton
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
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"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
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