“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
Greg Tamblyn
“All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.” Spike Milligan.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.”
- Mark Twain.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away, But if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.”
Sammie
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"I’m staying home today. I have mood poisoning."
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
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