"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Yoga class? I thought you said ‘pour a glass’.” – Unknown
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
"A man should never plant a garden larger than his wife can take care of."
- T.H. Everett
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”
Greenville Kleisser
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“A tourist is a fellow who drives thousands of miles so he can be photographed standing in front of his car.”
– Emile Ganest
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
"Gardening requires lots of water - most of it in the form of perspiration."
- Lou Erickson
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
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