"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
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