"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"Calming the mind is yoga. Not just standing on the head."
- Swami Satchidananda
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"Time wounds all heels."
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Charlie Chaplin
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
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