“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”
- Elbert Hubbard
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Do you think I’m crazy? You should see me with my best friend.”
— Unknown
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“Dear Monday, my mama doesn’t like you and she likes everyone.”
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
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