“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so.” – Douglas Adams
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
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