“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I thought about losing weight once, but I don’t like losing.”
― Unknown
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
“Budget: a mathematical confirmation of your suspicions." ~A.A. Latimer
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380 pounds, and tell the truth." - Conan O’Brien
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
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