Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
Stewart Francis
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
"There’s nothing more tedious than seeing how a person shows his intellect, especially if there isn’t any."
- Erich Maria Remarque
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”
— Oprah Winfrey
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
“Every mile is two in winter.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Gary Delaney
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.” Peter Ustinov.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”
George Carlin
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