"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”
Unknown
“Nutrition labels should include a “What if I ate the whole thing” section.”
― Unknown
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.”
- Moby.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
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