“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
"Is taco yoga a thing yet? Someone get on that."
- Chisty Lowe
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.”
Mort Sahl
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
"Never trust a skinny cook."
– Iain Hewitson
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“The road to success is always under construction.”
"Accountant after reading a nursery rhyme to his child: “No, son. It wouldn't be tax deductible when Little Bo Peep loses her sheep. But I like your thinking."
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help."
- Alex Haley
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
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