"When I asked you to water the plants,
I did not expect you'd unzip your pants."
- Mike Garofalo
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
― Noel Coward
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“How do I like my eggs? In a cake.”
― Unknown
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
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