"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."
- Marsha Doble
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the s*** out of people.”
— Unknown
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
“If each day is a “gift,” I’d like to know where I can return the Monday.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
“When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.”-Nick Arnette
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Hello, Monday! May I ask you a question? Why are you always back so quickly? Don’t you have a hobby?”
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Why do they call it ‘beauty sleep’ when you wake up looking like a troll.”
– Unknown
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
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