“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
"Carbs are the answer. No matter the question."
— Unknown
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
Rita Rudner
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.” ~ Unknown
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“When asked about my hiking plan I answered “Let’s summit up”.”
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
“Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.”
― Unknown
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.” — Anonymous
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
“Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.”
Stanley from The Office
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
"I complain that the years fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them actually got past." - Robert Brault
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise' I wash my mouth out with chocolate!"
- Unknown.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
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