"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
– Mitch Hedburg
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself."
~ Anonymous
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
Thanksgiving sucks where it is now. It’s too close to Christmas. We don’t need back-to-back holidays where we go home and sleep on a twin bed after mainlining gravy.” — Seth Meyers
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
"A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places."
– Tom Lichtenheld
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
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