“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”
— Zig Ziglar
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
“My dad used to say, ‘Always fight fire with fire.’ Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.”—Harry Hill
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'”
Claude Pepper
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
- Dorothy Parker
"The safe way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket." ~ Kin Hubbard
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”
Rita Rudner
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
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