“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon
"Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something."
- Plato
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
"The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing."
- Jean-Baptiste Colbert
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
“I’m a Capricorn and I’m mad loyal — mad loyal! — and I will always look for the good in people.”
— Jeannie Mai
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
“When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as ‘psychopaths’, and then the rest of us.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
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