"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Winston Churchill
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
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