If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
“The happiness of the bee and the dolphin is to exist. For man, it is to know that and to wonder at it.”
- Jacques Yves Cousteau.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“We must fall in love with yourselves. I don’t like myself. I’m crazy about myself.”
– Mae West
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
“May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!” —Anonymous
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
“A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.”—Helen Thomson
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you the kind of misery you prefer." ~Author Unknown
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
“To hike is to complain.” – Dean Johnston
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
“Apologizing in advance for the things I say this winter.”
“I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.”
― Unknown
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