"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
"Some people would fall in or out of love with you if you lose or gain a few kilos."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.”
Jim Carrey
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
Carrie Underwood
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
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