“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”
- Ogden Nash.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Toml
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
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