“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way."
~ Homer Simpson
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“I’m staying in shape this winter by wearing enough layers to be constantly sweating.”
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." - Bob Phillips
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
"The philosopher who said that work well done never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
- Ray D. Everson
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
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