"Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge"- Don Kardong
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
“I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw the sense of time out the window.”
– Miriam Toews
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
“As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.”—Jean Ferris
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says. He is always convinced that it says what he means. -- George Bernard Shaw
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
"Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions."
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
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