“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."
"The term “tax humor” is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code."
— John F. Lekel
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
“In fifty years, he never worked a day. To him, nine to five was odds on a horse."
~ Archie Bunker
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
“The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.”
- Robert Brault
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“As I have gotten older and wiser I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job. Pay day, lunch time, quitting time, vacation time, holidays, and of course retirement.” — Tom Goins
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"It’s easy to meet expenses, everywhere we go, there they are." ~ Anonymus
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“I take my pet lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat.”
- Marty Pollio.
“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
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