"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
“He who marries for love without money has good nights and sorry days.” – Anonymous
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
“When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.”
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
“Sorry for what I said before I yoga-ed.” – Unknown
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull
“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"I am having an out-of-money experience." ~ Anonymous
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
“Monday I shall slay thee with my mighty cup of coffee.”
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