“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
“People that cheat on their taxes truly disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.”
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
— Unknown
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
- Rodney Dangerfield.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
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