"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
— Barbara Johnson
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
"As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."
— Buddy Hackett
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“On the internet, you can be anything you want. It’s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.”
Anonymous
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
“The inventor of cobblestones was clearly not communicating with the inventor of luggage wheels.”
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
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