“A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place.” — Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“They laugh at me because I’m different: I laugh at them because they’re all the same.”
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
— Glen Cook
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor"- Joan Rivers
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
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