“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.”—Melanie White
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
“When going on a vacation, I wish I could load my wallet with money as much as I can overpack my luggage.”
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“To my mind, the only possible pet is a cow. Cows love you… They will listen to your problems and never ask a thing in return. They will be your friends forever. And when you get tired of them, you can kill and eat them. Perfect.”
Bill Bryson
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
“Every mile is two in winter.”
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
"I don't believe in jogging. It extending your life, but by about the same amount of time you spend jogging."
Marshall Brickman
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”
Anonymous
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
“You can always tell a real friend: when you’ve made a fool of yourself he doesn’t feel you’ve done a permanent job.”
– Laurence J. Peter
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
Homer Simpson
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
"Work out in the morning, before your brain figures out what you’re doing."
– Unknown
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable." - Oscar Wilde
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