“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!"
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
“Properly trained, a man can be dog’s best friend.”
- Corey Ford.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. -- Mark Twain
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
“If A equals success, then the formula is A = X + Y + Z. Where X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
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