“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
"Because I always say, if you're married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you're doing really good!" —Michelle Obama
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles Schulz
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
George Burns
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
“I’m glad it’s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.”
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
- Andy Rooney.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
“Weeds are nature’s graffiti.”
— Janice Maeditere
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
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