“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.