“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.