“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.