“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
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