"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous