“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
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