“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
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