“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“You’re making it difficult for me to be the parent I always imagined I would be." - Anonymous
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
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