“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
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