“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
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