“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Parenting Tip: If your child is crying, hold it close and whisper, 'You don’t have a clue what horrors this world holds.'”
- Rob Delaney.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
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