"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
"Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare." - End Asner
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
"The first 40 years of parenthood are always the hardest." – Unknown
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
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