“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”
- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”
- Maurice Johnston.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
"I live in a mad house run by a tiny army that I made myself." — Anonymous
"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
"Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going." – Phyllis Diller
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
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