“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
“No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I’m not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.”
- Bill Cosby.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
“Sending your kids to summer camp teaches them important life lessons... like, ‘You can deal with your problems by sending them to summer camp.’”
- Ari Fishbein.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” —Rodney Dangerfield
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.”
- Reese Witherspoon.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”
- Ray Romano.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.” - Anonymous
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
- Ray Romano.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest, yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.” – Lin-Manuel Miranda
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
Go to BabaMail
