“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
“It’s like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.” - Anonymous
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”
- Chris Rock.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”
- Nora Ephron.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
"A truly appreciative child will break, lose, spoil, or fondle to death any really successful gift within a matter of minutes." – Russell Lynes
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
“I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”
- Brian Andreas.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
“If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent.”
- Bette Davis.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
“The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them." — Anonymous
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
“I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most around my house are: “Hello, goodbye, and I’m pregnant”.
- Dean Martin.
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky