“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
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