"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke