“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Just found out the wife is writing a book about our honeymoon, called ’50 Shades of Just O.K.’”—Conan O’Brien
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Marrying a man is like buying something you’ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn’t always go with everything else in the house.” —Jean Kerr
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” —Prince Philip
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz