“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.”—Kathy Mohnke
"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass." — Rodney Dangerfield,
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
“You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... Husband!” —Bill Maher
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” - Phyllis Diller
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.” - Henry Youngman
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” - Jenny Seinfeld
“In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced.” —Helen Rowland
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
"Don't make love by the garden gate - love is blind, but the neighbours ain't." - Anonymous
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor