"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
" Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." — Henny Youngman
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”—Katherine Hepburn
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." — Catherine Zeta-Jones
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
“Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements.” - Kathy Mohnke
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
“My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.”—Lee Judge
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
“Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.” — Marilyn Monroe
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield