"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target." - Unknown
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”