"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"The happiest marriage I can picture would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." — Samuel Taylor Coleridge
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan."
- Leopold Fechner.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
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