"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."
- Joan Crawford
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books." — Alan King
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes." — Emo Philips
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." ― Sharon Stone
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." — Melanie Clark
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
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