"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
"If she happens to fall, I’ll be there to laugh at first and then help her up afterwards." — J.A. Redmerski
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"
- Gwyneth Paltrow
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
“I love you and I treasure you and ya bore me.” - Amy Santiago, 'Brooklyn Nine-Nine'
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met."
- Steven Wright
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" Jean Illsley Clarke
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
"Love is sharing your popcorn."
- Charles Schultz.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
"I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." — Rob Delaney
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
“It’s the 21st century. I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.” — Whitney Cummings
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
"The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired." — Milton Berle
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Richard Jeni
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
“I was like, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' And I realized... I'm just slutty. Where's my parade?” — Margaret Cho
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop
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