"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"
- Dave Attell
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
“Avoid any diet that discourages the use of hot fudge.”
Tom Waits
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."
- Christiaan Barnard
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“I am convinced digestion is the great secret to life.”
Sydney Smith
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night." —Dave Barry
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
"The trouble with always trying to preserve the health of the body is that it is so difficult to do without destroying the health of the mind." - G.K. Chesterton
“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” —Redd Fox
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"- Fred Allen.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
“The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not in shape for it, its too far to walk back.”
Andy Rooney
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!" - Tommy Smothers
"To lose weight, spend time at the gym. To appear like you've lost weight, spend time with people who are bigger than you."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
"A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends." - Kin Hubbard
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin